Grandchildren: living with ambiguous loss and grief

There is limited knowledge of ambiguous loss and grief (also known as disenfranchised loss and grief) in the UK. It is most often known about in either military or dementia situations.

Increasingly however, children and young people in the UK are holding the burden of this type of loss and grief, often by themselves, following the often traumatic termination of their relationship with their (safe) grandparent.

Over many years of childhood and adolescence, this results in chronic complex grief - which often manifests as anxious or acting-out behaviours in childhood, educational underachievement in adolescence, and employment problems in early adulthood.

We believe that is meets the criteria of a public health problem.

Based on a Savanta survey in 2022, it is estimated that a sixth of children and young people are actively prevented from developing or maintaining a relationship with their (safe and) loved grandparent.

This is significant – if accurate, the magnitude of this issue places it as a very sizeable part of the current children and young people’s mental health crisis.

The grandchild-grandparent relationship, well-evidenced to promote the wellbeing and welfare of children and young people, is often suddenly terminated usually with little or no warning to the grandchild. And also after the grandchild has formed a long-term and secure bond with their grandparent. Many studies demonstrate the detrimental long-term impacts of such attachments or close relationship losses in children and young people.

Currently there is little awareness amongst child-related professionals and practitioners that a child or young person may be experiencing the loss of their relationship with their living grandparent. Nor are they generally aware that ambiguous grief can be experienced by the children and young people they work with - so no-one asks.

Generally a hidden issue in families, we know that a significant burden of anxiety and grief is borne by the grandchild. We know that many parents, for example, instruct their child not to mention their cut-off Nan or Grandad at school. Quite an ask when you're trying to cope with chronic ambiguous grief in the playground with your friends.

Additionally, other anxieties develop e.g. if one of their close adults can suddenly ‘disappear’ from the grandchild's life, then so can others. This is normal childhood thought processes.

What does this mean for the grandchild?

The challenge for the grandchild is generally handling the unacknowledged and unsupported loss and grief by themselves. The parent may have sworn the grandchild to secrecy re the grandparent disconnection, or refuse to have the grandparents mentioned in the grandchild's home. Additionally, grandchildren do not go to angry or bitter parents for essential emotional support about the very person the former misses and the latter has eschewed or renounced.
Schools, health professionals and social workers are often unaware of the relationship's termination or the hidden nature of the grandchild’s grief. Nor do they have access to support resources or training in how to help the child or young person to cope with their ambiguous grief.
The grandchild finds themselves with a cascade of losses arising from the termination of the grandchild-grandparent relationship, as other aspects relating to the grandparent subsequently disappear from the grandchild's life. This impact can be quite wide-ranging e.g. cousin playmates, aunts, uncles, childcare, sleepovers, holidays, visits, days out, finance, educational support.
Additionally, without appropriate support the grandchild’s ambiguous grief is often frozen at the point of relationship loss, leading to psychological disorder in later life i.e. in later childhood and adolescence into early adulthood. This is in contrast to the terminating parent(s) who move on in their lives, expecting their child to follow suit.

Ambiguous loss and grief – where a living person is psychologically present in a person’s thoughts but physically absent in their lives – combined with unacknowledged grief means the grandchild’s ability to process the loss of their grandchild-grandparent relationship is severely hindered.

A particularly damaging aspect of ambiguous loss and grief is the inability to move on: the grandchild becomes and remains 'stuck'. The uncertainty or not-knowing is the hardest part of ambiguous grief: was it my fault, will they come back, I don't understand why they left, when will I see them again, where are they, can I find them, why did they leave.

It is reasonable to assume that the loss of the grandchild-grandparent relationship has a profound and ongoing impact on the grandchild’s short, medium and long-term educational, employment and emotional outcomes.

More information on ambiguous loss and grief in grandchildren here